UNTITLED

Please allow me to be sentimental right now. Although am not grieving anymore because of my broken heart, let me express what I really feel right now.

I have been thinking of this for days now. I don’t know if I should be doing this or not, but I guess I have too. For the past 33 years of my life, I have been in love for so many times, both long terms and short terms and even flirts. I was loved and I loved and yet at the end of the road, I still find myself alone, single, lonely, and sad…I asked myself so many times now, “why do I have to fall in love and to be hurt over and over again?”….”is it necessary? Is it required? Or should I say…because am too envious of others?”

I keep on looking, searching and waiting and yet when its there already I tend to push it back away from me. Was I scared? Was I testing his love to me? Or should I say, I just can’t let go of my singlehood. Almost everyday I whine over love, I want to be loved…but do I really need it? Or just because it’s good to hear that you have it?

One point of my life, I fell in love with someone. I told myself that he will be the last one that I will fall in love with. It was the happiest days of my life until the day that I have to decide not to continue it. Of course just like everybody else, my world almost fell apart, heart shattered, broken soul and worst I was left alone. I asked myself, what was wrong with me? Am I too clingy? Did I give everything to him? But I wasn’t. Like everybody, I have to move on, continue my life and forget those awful memories that we had together. I can’t say that I have finally moved on, it has been days since we broke up.

But this relationship is much different from my past relationships. A couple of months ago, I have already anticipated this day, the day that it will end. But even if I anticipated it, I still fought hard, not because I was afraid that I will be alone but because I love him. Honestly, I was hurt, it was also devastating for me, but at the back of my mind I keep on saying that I just did what I have to do. I have to leave him not because I don’t love him anymore but because it was the best solution for us, because we are both hurting each other. From that time, I promised to myself, I will never fall like that again. It was painful but it was real, real but it almost killed me. And like before, I have been in a relationship but it didn’t last long enough.

I was real, honest, loyal and even obedient. I made him my world, my everything, my forever. Months had passed, and we are still together. Until I’ve decided it was over for me and for him. I can’t hide my feelings anymore, I was hurt and I was hurting him too. I had to be stiffed to my decision, even how much I still want him. Honestly, before breaking up with him, I felt like I wasn’t his priority even if he keeps on telling me that he was not my priority. He wasn’t my first priority but he was one of my priorities.

He was hurting me, but he wasn’t aware of it. I kept it for so long because I don’t want it to be the start of our fight. Until the pain grow bigger inside my heart. But still, I have to keep it. It feels like he doesn’t care about what I will feel. I felt that it was always him and it was never us.

I don’t know if my love for him was depreciating or it was fading away. But even if I felt that he wasn’t into me anymore, I still fought for every inch of love that I have with him. But I didn’t win that battle. Yes, I gave up. I gave up because I can barely feel myself because of the pain that he was giving me, the pain that he wasn’t aware he was giving me.

After I gave up the love that I have given him, I asked myself, was his love true? Was it all lies and deceits? Because, for me all of it was real. Honestly, I wanted him back in my life, but was it worth it? Is it worth it that I should do the first move again to bring him back? I think it wasn’t, he didn’t even fight it when I was saying goodbye to him. He didn’t fight it when it was almost over. I guess, for him everything wasn’t real. For him I am just one of his assets that he needs to liquidate.

At this moment, I will never promise that I won’t love again because I don’t want to break my own promise. As I close another chapter of my life I’ve realized that, in this world nothing is permanent, there is no forever only temporary. As much as I want to have a new relationship I am still scared that I may be ending like before. I guess, I am just being bitter of what is going on with my life now. I want to find HIM and yet am not ready to be committed again.

And at the end of the day I still believe in love, no matter how difficult, painful and awful would it be I will still want to have it. So for now, I will leave this untitled. I might find love again and by that time I can give this a title.