My Bitter Heart Speaking

I don’t know how I will start this, I was thinking of a good start but nothing comes inside my head. But I need to try. They say falling in-love is like a magic, it will surprise you and you’ll be amazed with the sparkles that you’ll see and feel when you are in-love, and I testify that. I felt that too, many times. One of my blog posts, I told myself that I should not stop believing in love. I know that I couldn’t wait for it nor search for it. It will just come along. And it was true. After six months of being single I opened my heart to someone I thought I will be keeping for a long time. But of course it didn’t last as I was wanting too. It only lasted for two weeks. And it was all over. You can call me bitter and hoping, but it is true. I was waiting for the time that one day he will stand in front of me and say, “I want you back”. But it didn’t happen. Yes, I am a hopeless rom
antic; I still believe in fairy tales, that there will always be a happy ending. Anyways, so much with it, this is not about him and how he broke my heart.

And now am back as single, I am thinking should I wait for another six months or more or less before I can find another one who will knock me off my feet. I guess everybody knows how it feels. Sometimes it is very frustrating that you see others with their partners and your friends changing their status from “single” to “in a relationship”. But what’s the point of loving someone if you can’t even hold that relationship for a long time? Would you call it a relationship even if it’s just a week or two? These are the questions that I have been asking to myself for quite sometimes now, and yet I still can’t get the answer. I know I will get the answers not now but I guess sooner or later. I just have to wait for myself to answer my own questions.

I’m not far from those who want a relationship. I just also want a relationship that I can keep even not forever but longer than a week or two. During my two week relationship, I really tried all my best to save the relationship not because I don’t want my friends to say anything about it but because I want to prove to my partner and to myself that I can make it last longer what everybody is expecting. But then again you can’t keep someone stay with you if that person doesn’t want to stay more.

I was thinking was it my fault or was it his fault. I won’t come clean, yes; I would say it was also my fault. I didn’t do my best for him. But, still I can’t blame everything to myself. When he said he wasn’t ready for any commitments, was he just saying that to me because he wants to get rid of me or he was really not ready for any commitments at all? But then again when I found out he has a new partner after almost a week that we broke up, I started asking myself. When we were together he wasn’t ready for any commitments and now he has a new partner was he ready now for a commitment? I was trying to figure it out by myself. And suddenly I realized, yes, maybe he is ready now and he wasn’t ready when we were together.

Is being ready for a commitment really necessary to be felt while you are in a relationship or before going into a relationship? For the past six months of being single. Every time that someone is asking me if they can be my partner, I keep on saying no because I know for myself that I am not ready for any commitments. I don’t want to hurt someone, saying yes but it was a no all along. I want to be ready before I give in, that’s me, but I don’t know with the other people.

One more issue that I have been dealing with is, why did I go into a relationship that time and why him. Last night I figured out. I fell in love with him even for a short period of time. And that is the reason why. I never enter a relationship without being sure on it. Some of my friends keep on saying that I am bitter on what happened. Yes, I do. Because like what I said earlier, I wanted it to last but I was all wrong, really wrong.

Now that I am back being single, this time I have to be smarter before entering to a relationship. This time I have to let go of all the bitterness that I have in me and forgive those who have hurt me, and at the end of the day. I will not be closing the door my heart. I will not be waiting nor searching for that person to knock on my heart but I will just ready myself for the time that I will open my fragile heart again.

So, I will still say, I will always love those I have loved and love those who will love me. Because even if loving is a painful experience for me, love also changes and soften my numb and stiff heart. I will always believe in love, and I will always believe in happy endings. That is how love should be.