Five (5) years of relationship, it is really a big thing for me. I never cheated, nor did something that I know would hurt the one that I love. He is the sweetest thing I ever had in my life. We've been living together for 3 years now. I sleep, I wake up, I eat, I bathe and breathe with him. I cook breakfast and dinner for him, I kiss him everytime I go to bed. Love came to me with ease. Everything is too perfect between the two of us. Until that day came....
I know he is planning for our special day. Although I knew he was planning, I dont know his plans, all I know is am excited for it, it's like I can't sleep. Knowing him, he plans everything ahead to avoid problems. Well Val is a perfectionist. No plan B for him, his Plan A always works. I never thought that I'll be having a perfectionist partner in my entire life, because knowing myself, I just go with the flow, careless you may say or happy-go-lucky. I was in that relationship for 5 years, that I never thought of, and I like that set-up.
Its easy for me to know what to give to Val, I never failed on that one. We were in Rockwell that time, when Val, suddenly stopped infront of a boutique and started starring at a siberian husky stuff toy dog. I knew already what to give to him. Val is very stingy when it comes to himself. He thinks one thousand times before buying something. But whenever he gives something to me, he never thinks, he just buys it no matter how expensive or cheap it was. and from then on, I know what Val wants,.
The day after he sees it, I went back to that store, bought the stuff toy dog. I didn't wrap it at all because knowing him, he will just ask me why my wrapper is like that. So I just let it unwrapped. A month before our anniversary, he asked me to write down my 10 fave songs that tells the story of my heart. Songs that expresses my feelings for him.
And I did, I listed down the songs that expresses my heart. I was too honest when I was writing it down. The last song that I wrote was the song that I want to tell him now. After five years I felt that I needed it badly. I just want to have freedom from the relationship, but I still do love him. There were no 3rd parties, I just want a life alone, a life without him, a life without us, just simply me.
Before that day, I know I don't want him to leave me, neither do I. But that day when he asked me to write the songs everything changed. I still say I love you to him but most of the time I don't mean it, I still do kiss him before going to bed, but Its like I don't feel anything from it. I still cook breakfast for him but there is no happiness when I am cooking it for him.
He didn't notice those things, I am a good con artist. All this time I was pretending everything with me and with us are okay. For a month, I have been thinking of these. I even asked our close friends about it, they told me to tell him about it, to tell him what I feel for him, to tell him the truth. But it was too difficult for me to do that. I don't know how and when. I want to tell him to delete the last song but it was too late.
And our special day came. I know i'll be hurting him badly but I told myself I have to do it, I have to tell him about it, he needs to know what I feel, even if I am still undecided. But it likes I don't have any choice at all. I drove the car, he was too quite texting. I placed my right hand on his lap and said "I Love You babe" but this time I really meant it, coz I really do love him, I just have to do this for me and for us.
We reached the resto, I held his hand and told him it was the sweetest thing he have given me. It was so sweet, I couldn't tell him that its over between the two of us. and the time came, I have to tell him about it. And I did, I said the most painful words that he could hear from me. I broke the man that I love's heart.
I wanted to stay with him that night and comfort him, but I was the one who gave him that pain. After I left, I tried calling him thru his cellphone but he wasn't answering, I want to explain it to him. After an hour, I went home and checked out if he was at home.
I went out and looked for him, I looked for him everywhere, but destiny was playing with us, I simply couldn't find him. The next day, I went back home hoping he was already at home, he I was wrong, he still didn't go home. I was staring at our laundry basket when I remembered that I hid my gift to him there, I cried, what have I done It was all my fault, It was all my fault, I realized that while I am embracing my gift to him, I realized that I cant afford to loose him, I am so wrong, so wrong.
Three weeks had passed, I still cant contact him, his stuffs were all gone and so was he.
I was with someone in Podium when I saw Val. My heart beats fast, its the excitement and nervousness, mixed emotions. I don't know what to do, Should I hug him, kiss him or should I ignore him?
"Babe" I shouted
He was neglecting me, I know he is still angry with me but I pretended that I am okay.
"......Raymond, Val" as I introduced Raymond to him, I know he wants to pull out a gun in his pocket and shoot me on my head.
Am about to say something but he turned his back away from us.
I wanted to say....
"Val, this is Raymond my cousin. The one that i am telling you before, the one who got married in the US and his the one who is telling and helping me to win you back."
But it was too late, I cant find him anymore, and again I became speechless infront of him. I didn't have the chance to tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him, how much stupid I am for letting him go, and how much I want him back. I know in the 1st place I shouldn't let go of him, but I can't turn back time. All I can do now is try to win him back and show him how much I really love him.
That was the last time I saw him. I know that his already gone, I want him to move on but my heart doesn't want too. I lost someone that I love soo much because of a wrong decision. Because of the freedom that I really wants. That I could have even have even if we are together, I was too selfish.
We are not together anymore, but I know taht someday our roads will cross again and by that time comes I will hold his hands tight and I will never let go of him anymore.
That someday when that happens I know how much I want him.
I learned that in life we let go of the things that we think that we don't need anymore, we let go of those things because its either we want a new one or we just dont want it anymore, without realizing its worth.
Loving shouldn't have boundaries, love is boundless.
Love doesn't need to be caged in, hence it should have freedom, to have its own life but not alone but together.
I know I cant bring back what we had before but I am willing to make a new one with him again. A fresh new beginning, a new love story with him....
----END----
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